Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Spectacular failure and how it's made me think today.

Today I completely cheated.

I overslept so I skipped breakfast (and had to call a cab!). I had an appointment from 8 to about eleven, and after that I was really hungry. Not so hungry that I couldn't have gone the whole day without eating- I probably could have, my appetite has really decreased this month- but a realistic assessment of all the things I need to do today and the energy I need to have to do them led me to go to a coffee shop and get coffee, salad and soup- so when I actually eat them (in a few minutes), I will have stocked up on a balance of protein, vitamins and carbohydrates (and caffiene) that I think will fuel me through out the day.


1) I feel tremendously- if not guilty, then sort of at least like this is not that desirable. I miss the lunches that I pack. (I'm also in general really irritated that I ended up spending *massively* more money (cab + lunch) through oversleeping than I would have otherwise). I also have been looking forward to the idea of eating out as being a rare treat (which is what it will feel like after this month is over) rather than the sort of default sandwich grabbing for lunch that it's become for me up to this month, and today was exactly that- a sandwich grabbing. That feels distasteful to me.

2) I feel tremendously aware of the artificiality of this experiment. If I were actually on foodstamps, this would not be an option, and that really gives me pause. How much of my existence depends on my ability to power through things, and how much of *that* depends on my ability to be able to get enough energy to do that powering through.

So. There is that. There is also the awareness that I didn't pack dinner either, and am not getting home before 10, so I'll probably grab something to eat outside for dinner, as well. And I can do that because I make enough money and don't have any dependents.

Eye opening for me.

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